I have reached a milestone, the first of many, in my journey of fatherhood. My son has a problem with his BM's. He can go for a while before he has one. When he finally does he often fills his drawers with a ton of hot mustard from hell. I find myself concerned waiting for these occasions, and relieved and proud when they do. Proud of poop. How the mighty have fallen.

On the upside, I have begun moving more of my belongings into TL's place. I feel comfortable here now. I feel comfortable with her. I feel comfortable with our son. I'm still a bit skiddish, but in moments of optimism, I think this could be a really good life. Maybe the axiom is true: when you stop looking for something it comes to you. I've thought I was doing the right thing before, only to have it blow up in my face. I'm 37, and I doubt I have come anywhere close to harmony in my life, but it hasn't destroyed hope. Maybe there is a chance to find balance by giving my all in this situation. 

I've found myself staring at my son as I hold him. The concept of life seems really simple: sperm meets egg, add food and sufficient gestation; serves two. My belief is that a person is born, builds its consciousness, and releases it upon death to degrees of success varying with experience and strength of personality. Religious? No. Hokey? Possibly. It is so important to me to give my son everything I possibly can. I still feel kind of scared of failure, but there's nothing else for it but to do everything I can do and hope it is enough. He's great. I can't wait until he's old enough to give daddy hugs and kisses. I can't wait until his awareness builds enough so that he can smile at me as a reaction to me, rather than recent gastric venting. I don't have any expectations as to the kinds of things he will accomplish, but I want to see them happen. I understand that my relationship with him will change several times in his life. I realize there will be a lot of trying times, but that's true of nearly every journey I can think of. He has already given me a great gift: purpose. 

 I've been living at Terry-lynn's for about a month now. Strangely, we really haven't lived 'together' yet. My first week here I was more or less wrapped up in Pure Spec. We were both here the Monday night, then she went into hospital on Tuesday. She had a brief stay at home that Friday night, but really we've been visiting in her hospital room. This hasn't worked out at all like we had hoped. I go to the hospital every day, but some nights I just need to stay home to take care of things around here, or just to shut off for a while. I miss having down time. Some days I miss it a lot. It's the sign of things to come though. I'll never get down time from being 'dad'.

Along those lines, I'm having to reconnect with the whole 'fatherhood' sitch. It's like not having a mother-to-be living with me has made it seem less a reality. I see Terry-lynn in hospital, I know there is a child on the way, but there isn't a strong connection in my head: our child is coming and we will be a family. When I allow myself to focus on that I can imagine scenes in our future. Playing, scolding, watching with pride. There are still dark corners of my mind where self doubt awaits, but that's okay. A little self doubt will inspire self examination. I need to keep striving to improve myself. This little one is going to be very important in my life. I hope I can return the favour. I hope the little pup likes storytime.

 I am finally leaving St. Albert. I plan to be living Chez Terry-lynn by Stardate: 10710.03. It is going to be strange living in a place with someone other than family again. Strangely, I will find myself enjoying fewer freedoms than what I have now.

I'm going to be a Dad. Anyone who read my post called The Greatest Responsibility will know how I felt about that. It still feels like a huge undertaking. More,I think,than I might be able to rise to. Remarkably, I'm not as freaked out as I was when I wrote the post, or when I first found out about it. I'm nervous, yes. I seldom notice a moment of the day that I'm not considering it in some form. But there is no more terror associated with it. I guess the understanding of its inevitability was the crucial catalyst to prepare me. My family is excited and supportive, yet I think that even if they were critical and abusive I wouldn't be let down. Those friends I value most have shown me yet again how incredibly fortunate I am they are in my life. Their support and enthusiasm is inspiring. I am looking forward to holding my son or daughter like nothing else in my life until now. I'd like to thank those people, and I hope you know all know who you are.

I have finally completed my LOTR sword collection. I found an Anduril scabbard on ebay and won the bid. I received it about a month ago now, and that completes the blades attributable to Aragorn (the theme of my collection). I am continuing on to other types of swords. I have a replica of the sword carried by the Operative from Serenity, and just this week I picked up a carbon steel replica of a Roman Gladiator sword. It is pretty cool! I look forward to putting and edge on it. It feels interesting to hold it because it is a practical sword. A weapon.
I've held a gun before. . .and fired it. It was fascinating from a technological point of view, but the thought of owning one has no interest for me. A gun feels like a tool, for which I have no use. I have fired a bow, and find that to be a skill that gives me satisfaction to develop, but there aren't many places to practise in the Edmonton area, and those that exist don't particularly enthrall me for one reason or another. A sword is really the perfect weapon.
A sword's design is inspiring. It can be used to kill; it can be used to block and defend. It is a skill that must be developed and nurtured, in its use and manufacture. It can be designed for specific combat, or created to the very heights of artistic genius. Nearly every culture on Earth has some form or sword to revere. Large or small, elegant or brutal, they are all interesting to me.


Also, I finally picked up my Clan kilt last weekend. I planned its inaugural wearing for L&A's wedding. I have tried on the whole ensemble once, and I like the feel of it. Kilts are great! I need to see if I can find a good belt to set off the outfit though, the one I have is good, but not great.


I am watching the calendar waiting for my trip to the island. It will be beautiful, especially if the weather cooperates. I am probably going to have to cut the trip down though. I am anticipating a time quite soon when my money will but focused on more important things than travel and frivolity.

For now, I am happy. I love my parents, but I look forward to being under my own roof again. Work has been fairly fulfilling this week, and I have been able to see friends and family. A woman working at one of the businesses I was renovating this week actually propositioned me yesterday. I think in my general obliviousness to such things I may have fumbled on the proper social graces of such a situation, but it really took me by suprise. I'm pretty sure I didn't cause offense though, so I'm proud of that at least.
I've been trying to go for walks on the weekends. I used to go for walks a lot when I lived in Ded Reer, but I have allowed my time to be gobbled up by increasing amounts of "life stuff" here in Edmonton so I've kind of fallen out of the habit. I've missed them. They can be quite fufilling. Gotta go. Guy-with-truck to the rescue again!

I found out today that once again my friend Monique is in remission from her leukemia. She sent out a number of e-mails over her treatments and the latest one came today, proclaiming her victory. She never once let on that she may have had doubt, fear, or anger. She proved once again that she will be the person she is, regardless of what life throws in her path. You have inspired me with your heroism, Monique. If ever I find myself in a situation like that, I hope I can prove as worthy as you. Tuskaha! Can't wait to quaff a few with you this summer!

I went to the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo yesterday. What an awesome time! I made the trip down with Argent_Bear on Saturday night, and we hooked up with some Calgary Browncoats. They were fine friendly folk, and we had a great visit. The Bear and I had a short sleep then lined up early to get grab bags and a quicker perusal of the merchants.

They had signed some pretty good guests. The main draw for me was Robert Picardo. I got him to sign my copy of 'Legend' in which he plays Meg Mucklebones the Swamp Witch. I got a photo op too. Argent_Bear wanted autographs and a photo op with Morena Baccarin (Inara Serra from 'Firefly' and 'Serenity') and Christina Hendricks (Saphron from 'Firefly'). I agreed to take the pic, and never let it be said I'm not a good wingman. I waited until he was in position with the ladies before turning on the camera, and then had "trouble" getting photo ready. A few more breathless seconds in the company of such lovely ladies.

Also present were Ray Park (Darth Maul from 'Star Wars' and Toad from 'X-Men'), and Lou Ferrigno (TV's Hulk). Argent_Bear and I met up with L&M&little B, and L got an autograph and photo op with Ray Park.

There were a lot of people in costume. Some were just folks having some fun, and some costumes were definately the work of dedication and passion. Darth Vader, several Stormtroopers, a pair of Boba Fetts (one of which was so good it looked like it could have come straight from the movie), and even a Tuskin Raider. I also saw a few costumes from the new Battlestar Galactica, which were pretty cool. We got some photos with a few of these proud specimens of geekdom.

The high point of the day was the Star Panel, which starred Robert Picardo, Morena Baccarin, and Ray Park. Ray Park showed up a little late because there were so many people in line for his autograph that he wanted to get everyone in. Robert Picardo seems like a very funny and gracious man. He seems to genuinely understand the importance people place on him through his characters, and he behaves accordingly. Ray Park was also very comical, and very gracious, especially when one of the audience asked him to do some tricks with a replica lightsaber. He seemed a bit uncomfortable to do it, but he did anyway. Morena Baccarin seemed very focused, not very much like the personality we see on 'Done The Impossible', but as the sci-fi babe of the show, she may also have had some rather exhausting attention from many of the assembled geeks. Most of the questions the stars were asked were pretty good. I learned something about each of them, and some things about he biz. There were a couple of questions that came from that geek subculture we all get embarrased about: the guys who strive so hard to know all that is knowable that they lose sight of the fact that these are people whose job it is to entertain us. The stars responded with understanding, stating that many geeks know more about their characters and shows than they do. Morena Baccarin stated simply that she didn't like to watch herself, and that she often couldn't remember many of the elements of the episodes. I had wanted to ask Robert Picardo to say the line, "Foul-tasting Fairies", as his character in 'Legend', but after seeing that it might be an imposition, and realizing he may not even remember how he delivered the line, I was glad I didn't.

Argent_Bear and I had a great time, and we bought some treasures. Not too much, but I acquired enough to enrich my Geekly Hoarde, and properly commemorate the event. I do have to make a trip to Happy Harbor soon to look into some geek artifacts I found intriguing. Argent_Bear? Worstninja? Do I have your support??   

I have a friend named Monique who lives in Vancouver. I've known her since high school. She's been a bit of a wild child, definately been a free spirit, and always been a good friend. About four years ago, we were all shocked by the news that she had leukemia. She fought it. And won. Shortly afterward she suffered a stroke. She now has a condition that sometimes causes her to go through seizures. She is quite the world traveller as well. She used to work for Canadian Airlines, and for Air Canada afterward, so she has been to a lot of places. I found out some news to day that makes me think of the Serenity Prayer.

Grant me the strength to change the things I can,
The serenity to accept the things I can't,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Monique has learned her leukemia has returned. The treatments she went through last time weren't successful, obviously, so she has to undergo more invasive procedures. She told us that she has already shaved her head, and that she is ready to do battle again. She believes this time she will finish it. I am very hopeful, as one can be when he has enjoyed the company of someone so strong as Monique has proven herself to be time and again. That strength allowed her to change things once already. And it is an axiom of life that change is the only constant. You see? The laws of the universe are on her side.

In nighted slumber my love lies forgotten.
No muse see I to cleanse my fouled heart.
And now is love in me at last forsaken
Then Cupid dies, and tarnished stands his art.

But is this life a waste if solitary?
For once I yearned to savour love's allure
But age to wisdom leads and I am learning,
That youth loves all but age loves only pure.

This cynicism poisons my fair state.
To shed my proved armour, feeling frail;
But free of fetters, calm makes fear abate,
And freed, my soul will deeply drink love's grail.

If gladened mortal souls change Ones to Twos,
The prize of woman won, I'd rather lose.

When I wrote this I was very much an angry young man. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I couldn't seem to attract an SO, and when I did, I couldn't seem to make it work. I know why that was now. Now, I just don't know why it is. I'm single. That doesn't feel scary now. It did then. I have more than I did then. I'm not talking about the material stuff here. I have more to share with an SO now, I think. Ironically I don't feel the need to have an SO to share it with. I have friends and family, and in small ways, each of them in their turn, is like an SO. I may be doing without the physical intimacy, but how important is that, really? In it's best form, the act of love is the purest expression of the emotion of love. If you feel that kind of love. But there are many kinds of love to be experienced . . .